Haunt

You haunt me

The wounds you left never seem to heal

They close over and seemingly disappear

And then suddenly, without reason, open

To fester,

To stink,

To cause me to writhe in pain and memory.

You took my love,

My vulnerability,

My soul,

Only to use them all for your own purpose.

I have tried so hard to be a strong woman.

To let no person and no situation overcome me.

But then I remember….

You took my sense of security

My belief in my own competence

And you ground them beneath your heel as you let me know

That you could take my security, my sanity, my very physical safety at will

And that I could do nothing to stop you.

You were not rational

And my only recourse was to cave to your will

To placate your emotions

To roll over and show no resistance.

It has robbed me of something that I may never recover

And it haunts me still.

 

 

Blame It On The Moon

Those loving family photos

That should not have made me cry                

Lets just blame it on the moon

Spent a week with your best friend

Still didn’t speak of  you and I

But we’ll just blame it on the moon

You have no trouble telling me how much I mean to you

But cannot tell the others that could know about us too

And tonight my heart is aching

Because you just can’t seem to choose

So I guess somewhere there must be a full moon.

It’s truly no one else’s fault that I feel this pain

Even though I’m lying here all alone again

I made the choice to live a story that remains untold

So I must bear this moonless night, so lonely and so cold.

Maybe it is just the waning moon?

Perhaps it shouldn’t matter that we have a hidden love

For we share a love that’s rich and full, a true gift from above

But you have so much to your life I can’t be a part of

And I am so blessed to be loved by you

So maybe I should blame it on the moon.

I hope some day they’ll know me, but I see no end in sight

A future that’s uncertain, tunnel’s end that has no light

I could await forever that elusive time that’s  “right”

While blaming all my sadness on the moon.

Late at night all chance of dreaming slowly starts to fade

And I face the realization that perhaps your choice is made

Perhaps the most that you can give you’ve already displayed

And sleep will not be visiting me soon

I guess somewhere,

Somehow,

There must be

Another full moon.

One Last Wall

I have one last wall

And I stand behind it when I have feelings that I cannot share

It shields me

When I feel things that I am afraid would hurt you

When I feel things that I am afraid to share because they hurt me

When I feel lost and alone

When I feel sad

When pieces of me are breaking inside

When I have to pretend to be okay

This wall has a smiling face painted ever so carefully on its front

And as long as I don’t step around it, no one will know

And no one will ask questions

And I won’t have to try to describe what I am going through

And I won’t fail miserably at being confident…..or trusting…..or understanding

And you won’t feel defensive

And I won’t feel guilty

And I won’t feel.

I have one last wall

And I hate it…..

Because I still need it.

Tell Me

What do I tell my heart

When it no longer hears yours beating

What do I tell my skin

When it no longer feels your warmth

What do I tell my lips

When they no longer taste your breath

What do I tell my fingers

When they no longer touch your hand

What do I tell my eyes

When they no longer gaze upon your face

What do I tell my soul

When it no longer senses yours

Do I tell myself that you gave me as much as you were able

Do I tell myself that I should treasure the time we had because it was like nothing experienced before

Do I tell myself that I am blessed for having loved and been loved by you

Do I tell myself that the pain was unintentional and deeply regretted

Do I tell myself that we never meant for it to happen so we’re not to blame for closing our eyes to the fact that it HAD to end

Do I lie and tell myself that I will be okay

What do I tell myself

Oh God, what do I tell my heart

Tell me

And I Fell In Love….

And I fell in love with you….

All at once

Just one kiss

No choice…..no thought….no resistance.

I should have chosen one who was freely mine

I should have thought of the other

I should have tried harder to resist.

I should have….

But I fell in love with you

And I can’t imagine my life without you.

Without your arms….your lips….my heart

Without my world.

There are no promises

I can’t know what tomorrow brings.

I can’t know if I will have you tomorrow

Or next year

Or forever.

I should be stronger.

I should kiss you one last time.

I should set aside this love that was unexpected yet so familiar

Waiting for us to discover each other again.

I tried.

I told you it was over.

I cried and let you go.

Until I saw you walking towards me

And I fell in love.

 

 

 

 

 

Goodbye Ed

Today I have decided to try to find a way to say goodbye.  This may be the first of many posts, I am not really sure.  It’s been about four and a half months since you decided that you couldn’t live in this world any longer.  Such a short time but in some ways it feels like so much longer.

When we last spoke, it wasn’t the best of conversations and I am truly sorry for that.  It’s not that I didn’t still care about you, after all, we did have a history that spanned more than twenty years.  It’s just that I had moved on and could not let you believe that you would ever have a part in my future.  I know that it hurt you.  Even though you had chosen another over me, you still harbored the idea that I would always be yours and didn’t want another man in my life.  It was selfish of you, but then, you had always been selfish.

I know that you had been drinking.  You would get so emotional when you had too much to drink, and it angered me that you cried and begged me not to love anyone else.  Angered me because you didn’t really want me, you just needed the security of having someone to fall back on when your ten-year affair didn’t work out the way you expected it to.   Angered me because it was yet one more time that you tried to use emotional blackmail to manipulate me into something I knew was wrong. Angered me because you had made me so miserable for the last five years,  but you still didn’t want me to find happiness with someone else.

Then you chose to end your life.  This made me the most angry……angrier than I have ever been.  Ever.  I felt that you let your children down in a way that can never be fixed.  You left no letters, nothing for them.  Just left them.  Forever.  I could have forgiven you almost anything….and indeed, did forgive so much that no-one but you and I will ever know about.  Including Ann.  She thinks that you told her everything about us but I know for a fact that you did not.  Some things you had forgotten about yourself and when we did talk about it you were appalled when you remembered.  Many things that happened when you were too drunk to recall later.  But I cannot forgive the fact that you let the loss of a fantasy relationship be more important to you than the loss of your children’s futures.  There was no real future to this relationship, just an empty promise and an illusion of the perfect love.  I tried to tell you….oh how I tried.  I could see you rushing headlong into that train wreck but you and she both chose to see my opinions as my inability to let you go instead of the true observation and advice that I offered.   I even told you that if she really chose to be with you that I would be so happy for you.  I truly only wanted you to be happy.  I wanted you to have the same happiness that I knew was waiting for me, and, I will admit, I wanted it in part so that you would let me go once and for all.

Now we have this.  I have a wonderful man in my life but you still exist as a shadow on my heart that I need to bring out into the light.  I won’t let you go completely because you are seen daily in our children.  Their appearances, their mannerisms, all a reminder of the man who was once such a large part of their lives.  I will be forever reminded of you but that is okay for had I not known you then I would never have been blessed with them.  I thank you for that.  And I thank you for the love that we once shared.  Every day I find more reasons to treasure the good times that we shared and more reasons to let go of the bad times.

Being able to completely love another man has been a large part of my being able to remember only the best of you.   I once thought that I could never trust again…..never love again.  I blamed you for that and felt like I would never be complete again.  Now that I know this to be untrue, I am free to let myself think about you in ways that I was not capable of before he came into my life.

Will the anger ever be totally gone?  I don’t know.  I have two sons who are still questioning your choice and a daughter who feels bad that she thought about calling you that last day of your life and didn’t.  She and I both felt your presence in the weeks following your death, and only recently were able to talk about it.  We both feel now that you stayed with the family long enough to make sure that we were okay and then moved on to where you needed to be.  I know how much you truly loved your children and that you also still loved me in your own way.  I know that once you were free of the cares of this world, you were able to see clearly and felt that you needed to make sure we would be able to handle the aftermath of your decision.

We will be fine.  Your absence will always be felt by the children but in time they will come to understand a little better and, I hope, make their own peace with you and remember the good times.  I am trying very hard to stop being angry with Ann as well.  I know that she is as broken in her own way as you were and never intended to hurt you.  I cannot, however, forgive her right now because she refuses to take any responsibility for your death.  We all know that you were spiraling downward into alcoholism and depression, but I also know that if she had not left you the way she did that you would not have died that day.  Maybe some other day? Who knows.  But NOT THAT DAY.  Some day she will cease to be a part of any thought process that I have whatsoever and be simply the non-entity that she should have always been in my life, whether I can totally forgive her or not.

But for now……I can almost forgive you for leaving the way you did.   I remember the Eddie that I loved and will make sure that your children know that part of you.  The incredibly smart, charismatic, funny, charming, life of the party that loved to sing and dance……the man who loved me as much as he was capable in the only way that he knew how…..the father of my three precious children.

Rest in peace Eddie……you were truly loved and will be missed.

Goodbye

 

My Hands

My hands miss being in love

They miss caressing a cheek, running through someone’s hair, lovingly rubbing a neck and shoulders.

They miss the simple pleasure of holding another hand, touching someone’s back, holding another body close.

They miss the connection to another’s soul that can be found by simply touching fingertips.

They are ring-less and cold.

They are sad and empty.

I have hidden them in pockets, too afraid to let them touch.

I will open my arms wide, hold out my hands and feel again.

Palms up, I will feel the raindrops and the sun’s warmth.

I will touch you and once again my hands will share love.

They will be taken and held, as will my heart.

They will touch you and never let go…..

 

My Friend

My friend I know you’re hurting and I wish I could be there

To hold your hand and comfort you, to let you know I care

The loss of one so young and dear is hard to understand

And I know it doesn’t help to hear that God still has His plan

I promise that someday your heart will once again be whole

And you will be reunited heart to heart and soul to soul

Until that day remember you have many loving friends

Who hold you in their prayers and will be here when your heart mends.

 

For Dennis.

 

Supermoon

I sit beneath the glowing moon

Bright, and close enough to touch

A supermoon to hear it told

A supernatural thing, as such

A night of magic, full of time

Spent without the bonds of men

A wondrous thing where life has rhyme

That touches on the Devine again

I speak my heart, a wounded thing

Crushed beneath the heel of one

Who spoke of love, and life, and us

Too easily said, too easily undone

Bleach my heart and wash my soul

Leach my pain out to the night

Wash o’er me with  your rays of gold

And cleanse me with your subtle light

I breathe the scent of summer dark

Relax within the warm embrace

Shared with the fireflies’ precious spark

Feel the night caress my face

My heart is eased with promise made

Of healing in the Earth’s warm hand

Lit by the light of the supermoon

To live and laugh….and love again.

 

 

Love’s Luminescence

I glimpse the light behind the door
It calls to me to give it life
For air to breathe, to help it grow
That light that dimmed within a wife
Deep within it lives on still
A fragile thing long fed on tears
Pent up within my sorrowed life
Too short the love, too long the years

I glimpse the light behind the door
It beckons with a warm shy smile
It speaks of kisses, passions felt
Caresses, seeking to beguile
Persevering through the pain
It dreams of sorrow’s evanescence
To once again embrace my heart
A gift unsought – love’s luminescence