Rise up from the ashes
Brush off the clinging gray
Face dawn with a flame tempered heart
Lay claim to the promised new day.
The past, it cannot fashion you
Your choices chart your path.
You and you alone will stand
To brave the aftermath.
So chose bravely, and with wisdom
The way that heals your soul.
And rise up from the ashes
Your legend as yet, untold.
Rise Up.
I have been thinking about you for the past two days.
Your favorite artist, Prince, died suddenly….unexpectedly.
Like you did.
I hope you were there when he arrived.
I hope that you greeted him, and welcomed him into the fold.
I hope that you made his way easier, as I hoped that someone had done for you.
No matter what your life was like towards the end
I try to remember you in the good times.
Like how you loved his talent.
How you loved to sing.
How you would close your eyes, lose yourself in the music and dance.
One of my fondest memories is of you dancing to Little Red Corvette
The pure unadulterated pleasure that shone from your face.
I have long since let you go, but I will never forget……
How we danced well together.
How we once, for too brief a time, loved well together.
You chose to leave “us” long before you chose to leave this world.
But you never let go of the music that was such a large part of you.
I hope that you get to sing with him.
Perhaps not “Little Red Corvette” but a song none the less
Your voice was always true.
God’s choir gained another voice yesterday.
And He will be praised in songs never before sung.
R.I.P. Eddie
R.I.P. Prince
Sing on for eternity.
You came when I wasn’t looking
You saw my world torn apart
You let me cry myself to pieces
Then you gently mended my heart
One by one my walls came tumbling down
One by one I faced my fears
One by one you gathered my teardrops
As your whispered love kissed my ears
One touch and I found my reason
One kiss and I found my rhyme
One night and I found my soul’s ease
Then you gave me love for all time
We shared the moon in the shadows
We shared the calm of the shore
We shared the song of the forests
And you sheltered me kept my heart warm
One by one my walls came tumbling down
One by one I faced my fears
One by one you gathered my teardrops
As your whispered love kissed my ears
Let your whisper of love kiss my ears
I built my walls up brick by brick
They hid my faults, my needs, my fears
Stories high and eons thick
They hid my sadness, my anger, my tears
I took a brick down….let you in
Breathed in the air and felt the light
I dared to fall in love again
A love so perfect and so right
When walls are whole they block all things
The good, the bad, both out and in
They keep out all the joy love brings
Protect me from being hurt again
A brick came down….let in the sun
Love helped to open up a wall
Let in the warmth….let in “the one”
Found my feelings….exposed them all
And now my heart, confused and torn
Sometimes panics…. wants to hide
No guarantees….no promise sworn
I take the brick….crawl back inside
Inside where I feel safe, secure
Away from love but also pain
Too scared to walk where nothing is sure
I hide myself from sun and rain
To fully embrace this wondrous gift
Exposes all my wounds and scars
Anchored safe, yet set adrift
Troubled clouds hiding beautiful stars
Your love, I know, is safe and true
But offers up no guarantee
I try to build my wall anew
Fearing hurt I need to flee
I can’t explain….the words unknown
To tell you now, speak of my fear
Fear of being left alone
Love’s twists and turns always unclear
Past commitments in the way
My heart too scarred….it has no voice
Afraid to go….afraid to stay
I take up bricks…. forestalling choice
This love – the greatest ever felt
My heart should hold, never to let go
But behind the walls where it once dwelt
Fear starts to stir, begins to grow
“He’ll leave” it whispers from the dark
“He has a life apart from you”
Heart feels arrow hit the mark
“Come back inside….we’ll build anew”
I want so much to take this chance
Not listen to fear’s spiteful trick
Embrace the rain….embrace the dance
Destroy the walls….put down the brick
No part of life is preordained
Love offers up no guarantee
Life without you bringing pain
Love with you completing me
I know your love for me is strong
That by my side you always stand
Please help me now from choosing wrong
Please take the brick out of my hand
Today I have decided to try to find a way to say goodbye. This may be the first of many posts, I am not really sure. It’s been about four and a half months since you decided that you couldn’t live in this world any longer. Such a short time but in some ways it feels like so much longer.
When we last spoke, it wasn’t the best of conversations and I am truly sorry for that. It’s not that I didn’t still care about you, after all, we did have a history that spanned more than twenty years. It’s just that I had moved on and could not let you believe that you would ever have a part in my future. I know that it hurt you. Even though you had chosen another over me, you still harbored the idea that I would always be yours and didn’t want another man in my life. It was selfish of you, but then, you had always been selfish.
I know that you had been drinking. You would get so emotional when you had too much to drink, and it angered me that you cried and begged me not to love anyone else. Angered me because you didn’t really want me, you just needed the security of having someone to fall back on when your ten-year affair didn’t work out the way you expected it to. Angered me because it was yet one more time that you tried to use emotional blackmail to manipulate me into something I knew was wrong. Angered me because you had made me so miserable for the last five years, but you still didn’t want me to find happiness with someone else.
Then you chose to end your life. This made me the most angry……angrier than I have ever been. Ever. I felt that you let your children down in a way that can never be fixed. You left no letters, nothing for them. Just left them. Forever. I could have forgiven you almost anything….and indeed, did forgive so much that no-one but you and I will ever know about. Including Ann. She thinks that you told her everything about us but I know for a fact that you did not. Some things you had forgotten about yourself and when we did talk about it you were appalled when you remembered. Many things that happened when you were too drunk to recall later. But I cannot forgive the fact that you let the loss of a fantasy relationship be more important to you than the loss of your children’s futures. There was no real future to this relationship, just an empty promise and an illusion of the perfect love. I tried to tell you….oh how I tried. I could see you rushing headlong into that train wreck but you and she both chose to see my opinions as my inability to let you go instead of the true observation and advice that I offered. I even told you that if she really chose to be with you that I would be so happy for you. I truly only wanted you to be happy. I wanted you to have the same happiness that I knew was waiting for me, and, I will admit, I wanted it in part so that you would let me go once and for all.
Now we have this. I have a wonderful man in my life but you still exist as a shadow on my heart that I need to bring out into the light. I won’t let you go completely because you are seen daily in our children. Their appearances, their mannerisms, all a reminder of the man who was once such a large part of their lives. I will be forever reminded of you but that is okay for had I not known you then I would never have been blessed with them. I thank you for that. And I thank you for the love that we once shared. Every day I find more reasons to treasure the good times that we shared and more reasons to let go of the bad times.
Being able to completely love another man has been a large part of my being able to remember only the best of you. I once thought that I could never trust again…..never love again. I blamed you for that and felt like I would never be complete again. Now that I know this to be untrue, I am free to let myself think about you in ways that I was not capable of before he came into my life.
Will the anger ever be totally gone? I don’t know. I have two sons who are still questioning your choice and a daughter who feels bad that she thought about calling you that last day of your life and didn’t. She and I both felt your presence in the weeks following your death, and only recently were able to talk about it. We both feel now that you stayed with the family long enough to make sure that we were okay and then moved on to where you needed to be. I know how much you truly loved your children and that you also still loved me in your own way. I know that once you were free of the cares of this world, you were able to see clearly and felt that you needed to make sure we would be able to handle the aftermath of your decision.
We will be fine. Your absence will always be felt by the children but in time they will come to understand a little better and, I hope, make their own peace with you and remember the good times. I am trying very hard to stop being angry with Ann as well. I know that she is as broken in her own way as you were and never intended to hurt you. I cannot, however, forgive her right now because she refuses to take any responsibility for your death. We all know that you were spiraling downward into alcoholism and depression, but I also know that if she had not left you the way she did that you would not have died that day. Maybe some other day? Who knows. But NOT THAT DAY. Some day she will cease to be a part of any thought process that I have whatsoever and be simply the non-entity that she should have always been in my life, whether I can totally forgive her or not.
But for now……I can almost forgive you for leaving the way you did. I remember the Eddie that I loved and will make sure that your children know that part of you. The incredibly smart, charismatic, funny, charming, life of the party that loved to sing and dance……the man who loved me as much as he was capable in the only way that he knew how…..the father of my three precious children.
Rest in peace Eddie……you were truly loved and will be missed.
Goodbye
My mind wanders…..
At many times
In many situations.
It wanders to you.
I think of you before I sleep
I think of you when I dream
And I think of you when I wake.
I imagine what you might be doing
I remember what we did when last we were together
And I think of what we have yet to share.
I picture your face, eyes half closed
My hands in yours
Hearts, bodies, souls held close.
I can smell your skin
Hear your heartbeat
Feel your warmth.
I think of our future
Shared laughter and conversation
Starlit nights by the water
Smell of wood smoke and pines.
Long summer evenings
Drinks by the fire
Making love in the moonlight.
My mind wanders to you.
My life is full because of you.
My life is you.
I seek the calm before the storm
I seek the storm as well
The love to keep me safe and warm
The passion that weaves its spell
You look at me and see my heart
You know me to my soul
You touch me and you steal my breath
I willingly lose control
My hands miss being in love
They miss caressing a cheek, running through someone’s hair, lovingly rubbing a neck and shoulders.
They miss the simple pleasure of holding another hand, touching someone’s back, holding another body close.
They miss the connection to another’s soul that can be found by simply touching fingertips.
They are ring-less and cold.
They are sad and empty.
I have hidden them in pockets, too afraid to let them touch.
I will open my arms wide, hold out my hands and feel again.
Palms up, I will feel the raindrops and the sun’s warmth.
I will touch you and once again my hands will share love.
They will be taken and held, as will my heart.
They will touch you and never let go…..
We could have shared this moon together but you chose paths that were not mine
We could have shared this night together but another claimed your love and time
The choice was yours, I had no say for I knew not what games you played
You played for time, you stalled my life until your plans were nicely laid
And now the moon hangs bright and full a beauty of the night and sky
And I’m alone with moon and wine to toast a love that passed me by
You took another to your heart and left me out to live alone
Another night, another moon….another one whose love has gone
But time still turns and on that eve, when moon is high and full and bright
My new love will turn to me and share the wine, the moon, the night.
Songs From the Wood 